Have You Ever Been So Lost?
by Mikaela.xo
Summary: He wasn't ready to lose her just yet. They had their whole lives ahead of them with their newborn daughter.
1. Chapter 1

**Another story for you guys! I know a few of you want me to continue my other Puckleberry story, so I'll consider that. But for now, here is another story for you! I'm planning on writing quite a few chapters, so enjoy!**

***I am not associated with Glee in any way.***

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><p>It was Noah's second time around fathering a child.<p>

The first he didn't regret one bit, although he would have liked to be on better terms with the girl. He was young and foolish, and his actions came with consequences. He learnt the hard way that he wasn't ready to be a father the first time around. As much as he wanted to, he knew it wasn't the right thing to do for his daughter. She deserved a good life, and at the time he couldn't give that to her. He didn't want to be the deadbeat dad at sixteen years old; he could flat out look after himself, let alone a child. It was just what they had to do.

The second time, he was in love. He was living in New York with the love of his life, the woman he had spent the last three years with. The pregnancy came as a total surprise to them. Neither was expecting it, but they took the surprise and made it into an exciting event. When they found out they were having a girl, a parent's instinct kicked in and the pair started preparing the baby's room; painting it a pretty rose pink with matching décor. They had both taken a break from their jobs, both living the good life in New York. Their parents were all thrilled to be having their first Jewish grandchild. Their close friends were very supportive, offering their help when their daughter was born.

It was only at the 20 week mark when they knew something was wrong. 20 weeks old, that was way too early for the baby to come, right? Bleeding had started to occur and they both knew it wasn't normal, and no matter how much they convinced themselves and each other everything would be fine, they both knew it wasn't.

Placenta previa.

Something they both definitely did not want to hear. Both the baby and the mother were at risk of death during pregnancy. Put on bed rest, Noah did everything in his power to be there for his girlfriend and the baby. He hadn't realized had badly he wanted this baby until there was the risk that they could lose her. He couldn't lose either of them. There was no way was he about to let his beautiful girlfriend and baby go anytime soon.

At the 36 week mark, the baby was coming. They had been expecting her to come soon; therefore she had already been admitted into the hospital weeks before. Caroline Savannah Puckerman was born at 1:23 am on November 20th 2014. Both mother and baby were healthy for the time being. At 1:33 am, everything changed for the worse. The mother of his child started hemorrhaging only ten minutes after birth. She hadn't even got to hold her baby. At 1:40 am, she was unconscious and in a coma, unknown when she would wake up.

Noah was devastated. As he got to hold his baby girl for the first time, he couldn't help but think how much more special it would be with the mother of his child, the love of his life. As he cradled his little girl in his arms, he knew he had to do everything in his power to be a good father, and to make sure she didn't grow up without a mother. He had no doubt she would be a great mother, but it hurt him deeply to know she was missing out of the first few hours with her daughter. She had to wake up. She had to. Their daughter needed her mother.

Noah sat next to her bedside as he placed Caroline next to her on the hospital bed, holding onto her with one hand as he stroked the small, unconscious brunette's hair with the other. It was a habit of his, to stroke her hair. She had always found it comforting so there was no hesitance in doing the same now.

"Hey Rach… I need you to come back to us soon, okay? Caroline needs you. _I _need you. We were going to do this together, remember? I know if you could you would come back in a second, but… baby, you can't leave me. We haven't even started our lives together. You were gonna be the big Broadway star mom, we have our whole lives ahead of us.

Berry, I know how strong you can be, so just come back soon, okay? I love you, Rach." Noah sighed as he moved his hand from her hair to her hand, clutching onto it tightly. He wanted her to meet their daughter, he wanted her there for her first smile, first words, first steps. He wanted her there for it all.

She had to wake up.

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><p><strong>Please comment, rate and subscribe if you would like this story to continue!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**So I got such a positive response from this story, I decided I will update it once again for you all! As I am currently on holidays, I will be updating at least once every 1/2 days for you, unless it gets busy. **

**This chapter will be bringing in another character and focusing mainly on her and Noah. Each chapter I'm hoping to bring in at least one more character, until we can finally have our Puckleberry! Just be patient guys, it will happen!**

***I am not associated in any way with Glee.***

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><p>Noah unbuckled baby Caroline from her car seat, lifting her up carefully as he held her close to his chest to protect her from the icy cold winter breeze. She was wrapped up in a warm pink blanket, and Noah carried her up to their apartment penthouse as he rubbed her back. It was her first night home. She had been discharged after a week of tests, medication and fuss. She was finally coming home. This was supposed to be a happy time. But all Noah was feeling was hurt and guilt. They were supposed to do this as a family, but Rachel still hadn't woken up. She was lying in a hospital bed, unconscious, while Noah got to bring their little girl home. It just didn't feel right to him. It didn't feel right at all.<p>

He placed Caroline in the already set up baby swing as he slumped down into the couch, sighing heavily. He honestly had no idea how to deal with this. All of this. Rachel in hospital, being a dad. This wasn't how he wanted it all to happen. He wanted his family together.

He heard his phone beep, which set off Caroline's crying. His first instinct was to rush over to Caroline and pick her up, rocking her gently in his arms. Once she was settled in his arms, he checked his phone.

'_Need some company Puckerman?'_

He really didn't feel like socializing right now, but he couldn't say no to Caroline's godmother. So he texted a quick reply and thought he would get in a change of Caroline's nappy before their visitor arrived. As he fixed her nappy, he looked at the baby with her eyes wide open, looking right at his. "Baby girl, your mommy is gonna be fine." He sighed. He was reassuring himself more than anything. He changed the baby into a little jumpsuit as it was much warmer inside, and picked her up carefully to take her out into the lounge room, just as he heard the doorbell.

"Lopez. You just couldn't wait to see Caroline, could you?" He smirked at her as he invited her inside. Santana only shrugged back at him as she instantly took the baby from his arms.

"Well hello, my badass little goddaughter. I hope your daddy hasn't tried to give you a mohawk already." She cooed to the baby as she held her in front of her. The two old friends sat down on the couch, Santana playing with the little baby in her arms.

Santana had always been apart of Noah's life. And it was the Latina who realized the two lovebirds belonged together in the first place. Santana Lopez never thought she would end up in New York of all places, completing her degree to become a cop. She had become very close to the couple, having regular Friday night dinners with the two of them, as well as her fiancé Finn Hudson. Noah had never expected to see those two end up together, but it had happened. Santana and Finn were the only ones he had kept this close to, close enough to give them the job of godparents to Caroline. Santana had dropped the grudge she had against Rachel in senior year and actually got to know her, and Noah and Finn had gotten past the fact Noah was dating Finn's ex, and they became best friends again. They had grown up and moved on from the past. Mistakes had been made, but they couldn't alter the past. So instead, they made the future worth all the mistakes they had once made.

Noah looked at the two girls on the couch as Santana stroked Caroline's head softly as she fell asleep in her arms. He still couldn't believe he had a daughter. A daughter with her mother's cute little nose and his dark hair. With those chubby little cheeks and tiny hands and feet. She was a little angel in his eyes. Santana noticed him staring at the baby, and she let out a small chuckle.

"Oh pe-lease. Stop looking at her like you're about to eat her or something." Noah just shook his head at the Latina's comment, before sighing.

"She has to wake up, Santana. She has to."

Santana sighed as she stood up from the couch and moved to the opposite one, sitting next to the broken man she called her best friend. "C'mon, Puck. You know she's strong. She'll make it. If you ask me, she's just trying to get out of all the hard part of parenting." Santana laughed a little as she smiled her signature smirk, but noticed Noah was still down in the dumps. She could tell how broken he was. He just wanted his girlfriend and the mother of his child to wake up. To be with him through all of this, they were supposed to do this together.

"How about we go visit your momma?" Santana cooed to the baby once again, before standing up and gesturing for Noah to follow her.

Santana held the baby in her arms, rocking her back and forth as she watched Noah lay himself down on the hospital bed, placing his hand on Rachel's head as he combed his fingers softly through her luscious, brown locks. The two belonged together. Santana knew it, Noah and Rachel knew it, and basically everyone knew not to mess with either of them. No one could get in the middle of their strong relationship.

Noah started humming 'Sweet Caroline' into her ear, before he started singing the words. Santana joined in, rocking the baby named after _their _song in her arms to the beat of their voices. The Latina thought back to their junior year, before she would have even considered talking to Rachel. Before Noah and Rachel knew they would end up together. Back to when things were so much more complicated. She had always wondered how Noah and Rachel ended up together for that week. At the time, she still had her little 'thing' for Noah, so she hated Rachel even more after that. But deep down inside, she thought they would last so much longer. And in the end, it took a little longer than expected, but they did end up together. And Santana had realized she wasn't going to get back together with Noah.

Santana moved towards Noah as they finished singing. "I'm going to be outside, okay honey? Call me if you need me." Noah only nodded as he took the baby from her arms, resting her in the middle of himself and Rachel, holding onto the little girls hand with his spare hand.

"Hey baby. It's only been a week, but I miss my girl like crazy. I know how strong you are, so when you're ready soon, come back to us, okay?" He sighed, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Real soon." He added. All he wanted was for her to wake up so they could become a family.

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><p><strong>Remember to comment and subscribe lovelies, your comments are what keeps me going!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the lack of updating! I had a little bit of writers block, and I've been working the last four days! But now I am officially on holidays, which means more updates and LONGER CHAPTERS (like this one)! Enjoy!**

***I am not associated with Glee whatsoever.***

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><p>The time kept on ticking by. First he was counting the hours, then days, weeks and now it was about to turn into months. Caroline was exactly one month old, which also meant it had been one month since Rachel had gone into a coma. He had adjusted quite fast to fatherhood; he had to. Without Rachel around, he was doing all the work himself. And he wouldn't change a thing; he would do double the work if he could just be with Rachel again. See her gorgeous smile, her glowing face, to hear her voice. He would give anything just for her to be here with him, to be here with her daughter. The daughter they both were so excited about for months.<p>

There was no doubt he loved the whole fatherhood thing. It was the fact that he didn't get to see Rachel be the amazing mother she could be that got to him. He felt guilty, that he wished it was him in a coma. He loved his little girl to pieces, but a baby always needs their mother. And Rachel was going to be an amazing mother.

The last month had gone by so fast. Raising a child was very hard work, and it took up all of Noah's time. It had taken him quite a while to get used to all the late nights and early mornings, and after a couple of weeks, Caroline started sleeping almost right through the night. She was a very happy girl for a baby being raised by only a father. Noah had the daily routine almost down pat; Caroline was his alarm clock early in the morning, he would feed her and get her ready for the day ahead, before going to visit Rachel in the hospital, and every time it was the same news. He would spend a couple of hours at the hospital, just talking to her and letting Caroline lay with her. He hoped maybe Caroline would get used to Rachel if he let her see her every day. They would then go home and Noah would just spend time with his daughter, whether it be playing with her, singing to her or just rocking her in his arms. It was his father-daughter time that he looked forward to each day.

By the time Caroline was almost three weeks old, Noah's mother and Rachel's fathers had managed to get time off from their very busy schedules to come and meet their granddaughter. Mrs Puckerman held it together much more as she held baby Caroline in the hospital and watched Mr and Mr Berry break down at Rachel's bedside. Noah hated seeing everyone so upset. He didn't want this. He had tried to keep them away for as long as he could, but the time had come for them to help. So he just sat in the corner of the hospital, avoiding all their sympathetic stares. He didn't want sympathy. He just wanted his Rachel back.

It took a lot of convincing and assurance to have everyone finally leave his home. His family's home. Hiram and Benjamin Berry were both distraught to leave the penthouse, and instead moved into a hotel down the street for the time being. And Naomi Puckerman felt horrible leaving Noah alone with his almost one month old daughter, but she couldn't leave her job for any longer.

It was now December 20th. Five days before Christmas. Five days until Caroline Savannah Puckerman would experience her first ever Christmas. And Rachel still wasn't awake. And now Noah was really started to break down about the whole situation. He had been much too optimistic the last month. He wanted her to wake up so badly that he had thought much too positively about it all. He had to start thinking about the worse case scenario. And he really didn't want to think about that.

But maybe she would never wake up.

It would mean leaving Caroline without a mother, Noah without a future wife. She would be leaving her new family, the baby she had only met for ten whole minutes. So what was Noah to do in these circumstances? They honestly hadn't thought this far. On this cold winter's day, Noah laid on the couch, holding Caroline on his chest, snuggling her to keep her warm. He loved just having the little girl lay on top of him as he played with her small strands of hair on her tiny head, and held onto her petite little fingers. He could just look at her for hours, picking out all the little things he loved about his little girl. He wanted to protect her, just keep her safe with him from the whole world. It was a big, scary place out there. He had experienced it first hand. He didn't want his daughter to go through any of that. This whole situation was bad enough. It was all starting to really get to him.

Although Noah and Rachel were Jewish, they had grown up exploring everything else outside of their religion, and discovered that Christmas was something they wanted to celebrate. It didn't make them any less Jewish, they just found the holidays such a happy time. Every year since they moved to New York they would drive down to the Christmas tree yard, yuletide carols playing on the ride there, and they would pick out the most stunning and striking Christmas tree of them all. They went all out each Christmas, decorating their penthouse porch overlooking the city with bright lights; tinsel would be strewn all over the apartment. The tree was decorated beautifully, adorned with lights and little ornaments, all with a meaning behind them. What else could they say? They went all out each year, preparing almost weeks before Christmas day.

It was hard for Noah to think back to those memories. What if he never got to experience another memory with the love of his life? What if all he had left were the memories of the past? He didn't know if he was ready to deal with that. He did have a whole other life to worry about now, and he had to stay strong. Babies could sense how their parents were feeling (or so Noah had heard) so he wasn't about to freak out and make Caroline upset. So he just held her softly, stroking her back in circles as he watched her wide open eyes close slowly. She was such a beautiful little baby. He just let her fall asleep on his chest, watching her little chest rise up and down as she breathed.

It wasn't long until she was awake again, squirming a little which signaled Noah that it was time for her feed. He smiled at her as he picked her up carefully, resting her over his shoulder as he walked into the kitchen. As her bottle warmed up, he lifted her up into the air, ticking her belly with his nose as she made cute little gurgling noises. He couldn't get enough of the adorableness. Once the bottle was warmed, he sat back down on the couch with Caroline in his arms, feeding her as she sucked rapidly on her bottle. He was just finishing up burping the girl when his phone rang. He placed her on her blanket on the floor, and answered his phone.

"Hello?" He asked into the receiver.

"_This is the New York Memorial Hospital calling. We have some important news we need to speak to you about Rachel, would it be possible if you came down immediately?"_

Noah froze. Was she awake? Had the inevitable happened that he didn't even want to think about? "What the hell is going on? I'll be there in like, five minutes." He held the phone up to his ear with his shoulder as he rushed into the baby room, picking up Caroline's baby bag and car seat, flinging the bag over his shoulder as he moved back to the lounge room to put Caroline in the seat.

"_Mr Puckerman, I think it would be best to discuss it once you arrive. We will see you soon." _

Noah soon heard the dial tone, fumbling with his phone as he placed it back in his pocket. He was very quickly on his way to the hospital, glancing back every now and then to check on the wide awake baby sitting in the back seat. To say he was freaking out would be an understatement. He couldn't stop the horrible thoughts from running through his head. How could he not freak out? His girlfriend and the mother of his baby could or could not be dying right now. He hated to think of it like that, but it was true. So as soon as he arrived at the hospital, he didn't hesitate in rushing through the doors with his baby daughter in his arms. He headed straight towards Rachel's room, seeing a nurse taking some tests as he walked straight towards her.

"I got here as soon as I could." He was huffing and puffing a little, but he didn't care. He just wanted to know how Rachel was doing.

"Mr Puckerman. I'm Nancy, Rachel's nurse. We have some good news for you." Noah let out a happy sigh as he smiled the most he had smiled ever since Rachel was awake. "Rachel has shown signs of waking up. She moved her hand slightly today when we were taking some tests."

Was Noah really hearing this? The love of his life may be waking up? He rushed to her side, holding Caroline in one arm as he put his intertwined his spare hand in Rachel's.

"Thank you." He looked up at the nurse, as she nodded and walked out of the room.

He held onto her hand tightly, before feeling a small squeeze back on his. He couldn't have felt any happier than he did right now.

Maybe everything was going to work out in the end.

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><p><strong>Comment and subscribe, my lovelies! xo<strong>


	4. Update

I'm so sorry for the lack of updating. I know it's been so long and I'm currently working on the next chapter, I want it to be perfect since it will be a good one. So it will be worth the wait! Work and school just got in the way so hopefully I'll have some time to write tomorrow!

Thank you for sticking with me guys!


	5. Chapter 4

**I really do apologize for the lack of updates! And I know this chapter isn't long, but it's the one you've all been waiting for! I've been so busy with school, and I'm graduating in less than two weeks, so I've been pretty stressed out. But here it is, the chapter you guys have been waiting so long for!**

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><p>The day Rachel woke up it was a miracle, a Christmas miracle. It was December 24th, and it had been four days since Rachel had first started to wake up. The next couple of days went by slowly, Noah spending most of his time at the hospital with Caroline. He wanted to be there when she woke up, and he wanted Caroline to be there as well. She was still moving her hands and responding to voices a little, but up until the cold, beautiful day on December 24th, nobody had expected her to make a full recovery.<p>

To say the staff at the hospital were shocked would be an understatement. To see Rachel make a full recovery after being in a coma for so long was wonderful. Not just for the staff, but _especially_for Noah and Caroline. All Noah wanted for Christmas was for Rachel to hold their daughter again.

The morning of Christmas Eve was quite hectic for Noah. He was quite sure that Rachel would not be awake for Christmas, so instead, he wanted to make sure he captured the day in every way possible. Photos, videos, keepsakes, cards and presents were all to be collected in a gift box Rachel could treasure forever. Noah knew how much Rachel wanted to be here for their daughter's first Christmas, so he wasn't about to lay low on the celebrations. He was going to go all out for their baby girl. The one month old would probably never remember the day or even understand what was going on, but he still wanted to make it as special as he could. He would do _anything _for his little baby girl. And he meant _anything_. He was lucky that they had such a well behaved baby; she had a regular schedule of sleeping, eating and nappy changes, and it seemed that Noah was getting better at the father thing as each day went by. So that morning, he got up with Caroline at the usual time, feeding her before changing her nappy. He picked out a cute little sundress and shorts that Rachel would absolutely adore on her, before grabbing the nappy bag and carrying the baby out of the nursery. Usually they would go visit Rachel straight up in the morning, but instead, Noah decided to go down the street for a little Christmas shopping. He hardly ever used Caroline's pram, so putting it together was always a challenge.

It didn't take long before he was in downtown New York, shopping throughout the city for the perfect presents for Caroline. One present in particular struck his fancy; a gorgeous snow globe with a beautifully crafted Broadway scene sitting inside, the snow falling down on the city. As soon as he laid eyes on it, he knew he had to have it for Rachel. It cost him an arm and a leg, but he could spare it for his girl. He bought a few cute little things for Caroline, a little Christmas outfit that Rachel would go crazy for. He would dress her in it on Christmas Day to celebrate with Rachel. It was still just like every other day; waiting for that miracle call from the hospital to say Rachel was awake. He wished for it every day. Surely a Christmas miracle could happen, right?

That's when it finally happened. After all the waiting, all the sadness, regrets and wishing, he finally got the call he had been waiting for. He was sitting in a little café, feeding Caroline a bottle in the corner of the shop when his phone rang. He had expected it to be a relative or family friend of them, so he took his time answering the phone. But once he did, he wished he had answered it seconds earlier. It wouldn't have made any difference, but he had waited so long for this day. He just wanted to be able to hear her tell him she loved him, to watch her hold their daughter, to be able to kiss her and feel her kiss him back. It was the little things that he missed about her. But mostly, he just missed her being there. He sat the baby comfortably in his lap, putting down the food as he answered his phone.

"Puckerman, here." He answered as he bounced Caroline on his knee.

"_This is the New York Memorial Hospital calling. It's about your girlfriend, Rachel Berry. Would it be possible for you to come down straight away?"_

Noah was freaking out. Had something horrible happened? He basically froze, stopped bouncing Caroline and just held onto her tighter as he clutched the phone. He hoped to god everything was okay.

"What's going on? Is… is she?" He didn't want to ask, but he had to face the possibility it could happen.

"_Mr Puckerman, we assure you that everything is fine. You will be very pleased. Just please come down here as soon as possible."_

He didn't even have to think twice as he quickly but carefully buckled Caroline into her pram, rushing back down the bustling streets of New York and back to his car. He was in such a rush he was struggling to get Caroline buckled in to her car seat. He eventually got her in and stuffed the pram into the back, hopping into his car as he put the keys in the ignition. He knew this was going to be a _long_ ride there.

He completely froze in his car seat once again as he arrived at the hospital. Was this really happening? He knew they hadn't confirmed it, but his only thought was that she was awake. His girlfriend and the mother of his child, Rachel Barbra Berry, was finally awake. He had actually never expected this day to come. He finally brought himself to get out of the car. He didn't bother bringing anything else in, only taking Caroline in his arms as he rushed inside and towards her room. He stood at her closed door for a couple of seconds, and that's when he heard it.

Her voice.

It was quiet, but angelic. She sounded so weak, but she was awake. Noah burst into the room and saw her eyes open enough to see, her face lighting up as she saw him walk in the room with her daughter. The way she looked a whole lot better just by seeing the sight of her boyfriend and daughter amazed Noah. He was so happy; he was almost in a daze. He hurried over to her side, and didn't hesitate in sitting the baby girl in her arms as he placed kissed all over her face, his hands caressing her cheeks.

"N… Noah? I love you."

The words were so simple, but meant so much to him. He had waited for those words for _months._ He moved away and sat down right next to her, his hands running through her hair as he watched her with their daughter. She was so gentle with her, gently touching every feature of her body, just taking her daughter in.

"She's beautiful, Noah."

He knew she couldn't say much. She had been in a coma for a month, it was expected. But he cherished every single word that came out of her mouth. Caroline started to cry and it was instinct for Noah to pick her up, rock her back and forth as he sang to her. But instead, he kept put in his chair and watched as Rachel instinctively rocked the little girl, humming quietly to her as she placed a kiss on her forehead. The baby immediately stopped crying, and a tear fell down Noah's cheek. He didn't even bother wiping it away. He didn't care. His girlfriend was back, and that was all he cared about. He just wanted to live in the moment. He took her hand and ran his thumb up and down over it, before placing a soft kiss on her lips. "You have _no__idea_how much I missed you, Rach. I love you."

She only held his hand tighter, tears falling down her face.

"She's our sweet Caroline. I… I can't believe I missed out on so much."

Noah hushed her, moving so he was lying down next to her on her hospital bed. He wiped away her tears, kissing her cheek softly. "It's okay, baby. You're here now. That's all that matters. We get to spend Christmas as a family."

As the three of them laid together, the snow falling outside, they Noah knew it was going to be okay.


	6. Update 2

A lot of you have been questioning the fact that Rachel and Puck don't actually celebrate Christmas. In chapter three, this paragraph is written:

_Although Noah and Rachel were Jewish, they had grown up exploring everything else outside of their religion, and discovered that Christmas was something they wanted to celebrate. It didn't make them any less Jewish, they just found the holidays such a happy time. Every year since they moved to New York they would drive down to the Christmas tree yard, yuletide carols playing on the ride there, and they would pick out the most stunning and striking Christmas tree of them all. They went all out each Christmas, decorating their penthouse porch overlooking the city with bright lights; tinsel would be strewn all over the apartment. The tree was decorated beautifully, adorned with lights and little ornaments, all with a meaning behind them. What else could they say? They went all out each year, preparing almost weeks before Christmas day._

As I don't know much about Hanukkah, I decided it would be much easier for them to celebrate Christmas, and it would allow me to right to the best of my ability. I'm sorry for the mix ups!

I also apologize for writing Beth in the last chapter. Every time I go to write the baby's name, I go to write Beth, so only doing it once is pretty good for me! But I edited it and re-uploaded the chapter!


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